Right, this post has specific targets and you know who you are. If you don’t think this post is addressed to you, I suggest you take it as a reminder 😉

Here goes nothing.

If you are –

(1) someone who is not one to ask how your friends are doing

(2) someone who is not one to organise a get together with your friends

(3) someone who attend once or twice out of 5 get together arranged by other friends

THEN YOU –

(1) are not a friend indeed

(2) are a selfish prick

(3) have no right whatsoever to say a friend should not be selfish.

I keep my list of friends in check and revise them when applicable. Quite a few have lost their positions in the list. We all have the rights to choose our friends. I choose to keep the real ones and discard the fakes. Life should be simple. Keep what’s good. Leave what’s bad.

That’s it for now. Remember, friendship is also a type of relationship that requires efforts. Don’t expect efforts from a friend when you have not put any or even attempted.

Roses for my friends who survived another year in the list 😉

Introduction; The Decision Made

Well yes, I have finally decided not only to write, but to make my post public. This is my truth about my love, to be accurate, how I love, my definition of love and my expectations of it. But before I go any further, I’ll be writing about it exclusive of “family – related love”. My love for those I consider my family needs no explanation.

My Definition of Love

To me, love is when you make me smile when am hurting quietly. Love is when you take me out, even for a few moments, of the pains am suffering without telling. Love is when you know am keeping it all inside because I have no courage to say them, either of my love, hurt, pain and everything I feel. Love is when you just know how I feel even when I said nothing. Love is when you believe that your love will open my heart to love you back because you know love is something I need to learn (from you).

The other important part is that I do not relate love to trust and trust to love. I can love without having to put my trust in you. Trust is not an issue as it is not something that I give away (to anyone).

How I Love

I love quietly. I love conditionally. I love with reservations. I love with limitations. I love without confidence. Until the day I love expressively, unconditionally, without reservations and with confidence.

I love quietly because I believe that action speaks louder than words. I love conditionally because I believe it cannot be unconditional. I cannot continue to love someone who uses me, lie to and cheat me. Loving someone unconditionally means loving him/her regardless of the lies and the cheats. That is not possible for me. I love with reservations because I believe only I can love myself more than anyone can. I will doubt my feelings for you rather than I doubt your feelings for me. I will love without confidence because I cannot be sure that I will love you as much as I should, as much as you do (love me) and that can be unfair to you. But I do hope that one day, because of your love, I would be able to love expressively and tell you how much I love you, unconditionally, without reservations and with confidence.

My Expectations of Love

Well, I do not really have much expectations nor clue of what I should expect. I fear that if I ever expect anything, I will only be let down. The least you expect from people, the least hurt you feel. Yes, am a strong believer of that. This point here, is where I have nothing but that, to say. So then, we move along to the next point.

The Conclusion

You may likely say, “All these are just focused on “you”, “what you think”, “how you feel” but nothing about what the other person think and feel. Rather selfish, self centered and unrealistic. Well guess what, I may not be an expert in love but anyone in love will tell you this, “It should be about her/him”, “I should know all that to love her/him”, “That is how I should love her/him”, because what matters when you love, is the person you love. You, come second. I would do the same. As I mentioned, the person’s love should teach me how to love him back. So, if you feel so reading this, you definitely are not the one who will teach me to love, who will teach me to love the way I should.

Anyway, I have been told that I have a wall put up around me so thick and high that the wall was visible. They decided to give up and let the wall stay as it is. Friends think that am too picky and that I work too much. The reasons why I have been single most of the time. Some just do not believe that am single. Well, what can I say. I suppose they are all correct in one way or the other. The wall is there to protect me. Being picky is not something that is bad when you talk about relationships. For those who refuse to believe that am single, am flattered because you thought it is just impossible and unbelievable hahaha … Believe what you wish. Think what you want. This is My Truth About My Love. 😉

This conversation transpired between three colleagues one of whom is yours truly. Here goes.

X : Was A angry at B yesterday because B drank in front of A?
Z : Why would A be angry?
Y : Yeah, why? Why can’t B drink in front of A?
X : Because A is fasting … Wouldn’t you be angry if we drink in front of you? (Addressing Z)
Z : Why would I be angry? I have no right to be angry nor have I right to demand for you to not drink or eat in front of me. Question then is whether you want to be respectful to those who are fasting.
Y : Yeah, why would they be offended if you drink and eat in front of them? You are not fasting.
Z : Exactly. I cannot speak for everyone but I don’t think we have any right to be angry or insist people not to do that. I personally think so. It’s just a matter of respect.

So, the above actually took place in this world I live in with people who live long enough to know without the need for me to explain. Nevertheless, some do not really bother to understand and regardless of the number of years they have been around. It is however, sad. The misunderstanding, misconceptions that are happening simply because of ignorance. Lack of interest to actually understand but jumping to conclusions and making assumptions without even being bothered to understand.

Malaysia is one of the most multiracial countries in the world. People should, without the need to be asked nor coerced into learning about each others do and don’t, be sensitive to each others needs and level of sensitivity. On the other hand, one should not be over sensitive of what others do. To me, one will not get offended if the other shows courtesy and respect and one must not demand too much out of it.

In front of me, you can eat and drink all you want even when I am fasting. I will just take it that you are hungry beyond famish and lack respect and courtesy. Really, go ahead.

Ramadan Mubarak to those fasting and to those who don’t, choose to be respectful. Choose to be courteous. Everyone should choose to live in harmony.

Some of the things I say when applicable –

(1) Who I am today, is thanks to who I was yesterday. Who I will be tomorrow is not who I am today

(2) The tears that fell, unheard and unseen by others, usually came from a deep place, deep sadness, deep regret, deep emotion

(3) I can smile so bright it takes you out of your pain, but that bright smile may not necessarily take my pain away

(4) When you have no choice but to go on, you have no choice but to go on

(5) A hopeless may hope less. Hoping less does not make a hopeless

(6) If some pictures can say a thousand words, a smile can hide a thousand pain

(7) A bright sun does not always mean hot weather as a day without sunlight does not always mean cold weather

(8) Actions may speak louder than words and words may carry no weight but action means nothing if what others hoped for are words

(9) Before you decide to fake it till you make it, answer yourself honestly, when you have made it, is it real or is it fake?

(10) I can never be you as you can never be me but the least we can do is put ourselves in each other’s shoes

(11) The answer to “How are you?” is usually “I am fine” because I am fine but not great and because if I say “I feel great/wonderful” or “Fantastic”, you will either hate me or assume am in denial

(12) Just because am not perfect for you does not mean am not perfect to another

This is a subject matter many have differing views on. Since this is my “space”, I will focus on my views.

Both are equally important and this general perspective has some general exceptions. Having paper qualifications may and may not make a difference to some profession. By “profession” l am also referring to job descriptions not falling under the category of profession(als) like those governed by professional board or authorities or statutes such as the legal profession. Take a chef or a cook as an example. Would you care whether the chef or cook actually graduated from a top culinary arts university with the highest grade and the highest degree level or whether the chef or cook has a masters degree in any area of the culinary arts? Have you ever asked this question, “Where did this chef graduated from?” Do not lie! Have you really, ever.

Now, let’s take a lawyer as an example. What do you think? A lawyer who has been doing the same or similar work for years would not require to have a masters degree for what he or she does. Having said that, l do believe that having a masters degree would only put him or her at a place higher than the lawyer of the same par. However, am not saying that having done the same thing for years makes one a master at it. I came across a handful of people with seniority in number of years of practise but still lack knowledge and experience.

I have roughly 9 years of experience as a corporate and corporate finance lawyer with experiences in both in the capacity of an advocate and solicitor and an in-house counsel. After roughly 4 years of practising law as a corporate and corporate finance lawyer, I took and completed a masters degree. I am currently certified as a master at corporate laws. Having said that, the laws are ever changing and progressing. Unless I continuously educate myself of the development, I must stop disclosing my masters degree. Naturally, others could expect nothing but a certain high degree of understanding of what I have claimed to be a master at. It is only fair. This is why l completely disagree with the current minimum requirements imposed by most universities in regards to eligibility to qualify for applications for a masters degree. It is unacceptable to me that anyone can apply and qualify to further their studies at the masters degree level. A person with no experience whatsoever or lack experience should not be allowed to qualify! I came across a handful young lawyers with masters degree during my course of interviewing candidates for the legal department. Save for one, the rest with masters degree but without sufficient experience looked rather highly at their “value”. I thought I would do them service by telling them how employers and hiring mangers look at them. I had no intention of putting them down but reality is, their masters degree had no advantage at all. In fact, it made them somewhat over-confident.

Anyhow, what am trying to say here is that, I think that depending on circumstances and some factors, whether paper qualifications take superiority over experiences, is a matter or question that cannot be judged and remain as one over the other.

No offence intended but seriously, I think rather very strongly, that universities should impose and maintain minimum experience requirements before allowing an application for a masters degree to be accepted. A masters degree is one step nearer to a PHD.

Some say, a picture is worth a thousand words. Some also say, actions speak louder than words. I sometimes say, do not say a word if the words you are about to say are empty; saying things only for the sake of saying things. Many would say, do not say anything if you cannot say anything good.

About pictures being worth a thousand words, well I guess some are, for example, a picture that is extremely breathtaking, so much so it leaves you speechless, unless of course you can say a thousand words in one breath. Not all pictures are worth a thousand words although they leave you breathless, as they may perhaps leave you breathless because they are shockingly horrible. Once you regain your breath you go ahead and describe them with words like gross, horrible, terrible, this picture should never have existed, or even make you scream at the top of your lungs, WHY?!

About actions being louder than words, well, as a person who is not good at telling people my true feelings, I suppose I should say I agree with the concept. Not really. Honestly, after the passing of my father, I thought I should learn to let people I care about know exactly that, that I care. I still find it extremely difficult to do. On the other hand, the recipient of your good intentions may perhaps rather hear you say those words rather than questioning your true intentions and assuming that you did all of it because you care.

I am a strong believer and practitioner of the idea that people should not speak only for the sake of speaking as it will only result in the waste of good time. However, I do not entirely agree with the believe that you should not say anything if you cannot say anything good. If being honest and truthful means saying things that seem like bad things to people is not allowed, then we are letting people go on in the wrong direction. If a person sings horribly, are we supposed to say that he/she was good? Or should we rather say the truth, that either he/she stop singing completely or to learn how to sing properly? If we did not tell the awful truth, he/she may even end up getting hurt worse.

I suppose perhaps the point I am trying to get across is moderation. No one concept or idea is ultimate; fixed and constantly applicable. At times we all have to agree to disagree. At times we have to make choices and meet in the middle. No two persons always constantly think alike. But I think we can all agree that we should not speak only for the sake of speaking. Trust you me, I am not writing this post only for the sake of writing 😉

I wish all of you good days ahead of you and God bless.

Well, since the beginning of the mysterious disappearance of MH370, the issue of sensitivity came up again. The public have been constantly reminded to be sensitive. Now, how sensitive should a person be? What is the level of sensitivity one individual expects from another? This can be rather subjective, perhaps.

At the risk of sounding insensitive, in a country where anything can out of the blue become sensitive, my view is that one (the person facing the grief or difficulties) should not expect the other to be grieving the same way. That is plain unfair to the other. Sometimes, even when I try really hard, I fail to feel the same kind of grief. I have experienced loss of people near to me. Today, I am still grieving, in my own ways. I have never expected anyone else to grieve the same way as I do. So, it is not because others are insensitive, but others just do not feel your kind of grief. So, perhaps try and understand that you can not insist for others to grieve the same way as you do. Put yourself then in their shoes. It is difficult if not impossible, for you to understand and experience the same kind of grief the other is experiencing. Some people do not take long to move on. This doesn’t mean they did not grieve too. They are either –

(1) have had enough grieving;

(2) move on rather quickly;

(3) have their way of grieving that it does not show.

All we should not be, is becoming an opportunist. Pretending to be grieving can both be good and bad. Your intention of showing your sensitivity can be mistakenly construed as trying to gain “favour”. As such, I think sensitivity should be at a modest level acceptable to everyone. So, we need to be careful in whether or not we should be sensitive. Also, to what extent should we be sensitive … the answer is, put yourself in the shoes of the other person, those you expect to show some sensitivity. Also, not too expect too much from others.

I thought I would just share this proud little acknowledgement 😉